Men Experience Anxiety and Abandonment Too

The notion that men—Virginia men included—don’t expe­ri­ence anx­i­ety or fear aban­don­ment is about as accu­rate as claim­ing the Blue Ridge Moun­tains are just small hills. This mis­con­cep­tion is both wrong and dan­ger­ous.

The per­sis­tent myth that anx­i­ety and aban­don­ment issues are some­how “female ter­ri­to­ry” con­tin­ues to shad­ow men’s expe­ri­ences, com­pound­ing their iso­la­tion and shame. When we per­pet­u­ate the nar­ra­tive that “real men” don’t feel anx­ious or wor­ried about rela­tion­ships, we’re not pro­tect­ing masculinity–but rather push­ing men fur­ther toward cri­sis. 

In Vir­ginia, men are 3.5 times more like­ly than women to die by sui­cide, with untreat­ed anx­i­ety and depres­sion fre­quent­ly under­ly­ing these tragedies.

The truth?

Anx­i­ety does­n’t dis­crim­i­nate based on gen­der, geog­ra­phy, or how many fish you caught on your last trip to the Chesa­peake Bay. Men in Vir­ginia expe­ri­ence anx­i­ety dis­or­ders at near­ly the same rate as women, with around one-fifth of adult men deal­ing with clin­i­cal­ly sig­nif­i­cant anx­i­ety in any giv­en year. 

Vir­gini­a’s cul­tur­al land­scape con­tributes to cre­at­ing a com­plex envi­ron­ment for men’s emo­tion­al well-being. I’ve wit­nessed first­hand how our state’s diverse regions shape the way men under­stand and express their inner strug­gles.

In South­west­ern coal coun­try and the Shenan­doah Val­ley, gen­er­a­tions of men have inter­nal­ized the belief that vul­ner­a­bil­i­ty equals weak­ness. Con­sid­er the men of the past who “white-knuck­led it” or “pulled them­selves up by their bootstraps”–without acknowl­edg­ing the emo­tion­al parts of them­selves. These behav­iors, while deemed nor­mal at the time, have trans­lat­ed to lat­er gen­er­a­tions think­ing that this kind of sto­icism was an effi­cient armor to life’s attacks; how­ev­er, it can also be a prison. 

Mean­while, just two hours north in North­ern Vir­gini­a’s tech cor­ri­dor, a dif­fer­ent kind of man is fac­ing a dif­fer­ent type of pres­sure. There, emo­tion­al intel­li­gence is open­ly val­ued in work­places, cre­at­ing a con­fus­ing dou­ble-bind: express feel­ings, but only the “right” ones, in the “right” ways. As some­one explained, “I’m sup­posed to be emo­tion­al­ly avail­able at work pre­sen­ta­tions but not show anx­i­ety when my mar­riage is falling apart.”

Mil­i­tary com­mu­ni­ties in Hamp­ton Roads add anoth­er lay­er. Men there tran­si­tion between deploy­ment and home life all the time — an emo­tion­al whiplash of its own. They have to switch from hyper­vig­i­lance to domes­tic tran­quil­i­ty, often while car­ry­ing aban­don­ment fears from repet­i­tive sep­a­ra­tions.

Eco­nom­ic real­i­ties affect things, too, across all regions. Vir­gini­a’s cost of liv­ing, par­tic­u­lar­ly in urban areas, can place immense provider pres­sure on men. One clien­t’s pan­ic attacks esca­lat­ed when his sec­ond child was born, and hous­ing costs spiked simul­ta­ne­ous­ly.

These region­al con­texts don’t nec­es­sar­i­ly cre­ate anx­i­ety or aban­don­ment fears, but they pro­found­ly shape their expres­sion. The same fun­da­men­tal fear might appear as con­trol­ling behav­ior in a Nor­folk naval offi­cer, worka­holic ten­den­cies in a Rich­mond busi­ness­man, or emo­tion­al shut­down in a Wise Coun­ty min­er. Dif­fer­ent man­i­fes­ta­tions, same human, male need for con­nec­tion and secu­ri­ty.

What abandonment in men can look like

When I work with men with aban­don­ment issues, I’ve noticed that their anx­i­ety and aban­don­ment fears often wear dis­guis­es that self-help books don’t always describe.

Rather than open­ly express­ing wor­ry or seek­ing reas­sur­ance, men fre­quent­ly demon­strate these con­cerns through:

• Con­trol­ling behav­iors in rela­tion­ships
• “Check­ing up” on a part­ner or loved one
• Self-sab­o­tage in rela­tion­ships, such as cre­at­ing con­flict when there is no issue
• End­ing a healthy, respect­ful rela­tion­ship because it is uncom­fort­able
• Worka­holism that keeps emo­tion­al needs at bay
• Sub­stance use that numbs attach­ment fears
• Anger that masks deep­er vul­ner­a­bil­i­ty
• Emo­tion­al with­draw­al to pre­vent antic­i­pat­ed rejec­tion

One man has described his anx­i­ety as “walk­ing on eggshells–not know­ing when the next issue will occur.” Anoth­er has likened his aban­don­ment con­cerns to going to sleep at night, know­ing that night­mares occur, but rumi­nat­ing over when the night­mares will begin

These metaphors reveal the vis­cer­al, phys­i­cal expe­ri­ence of these issues. Men are not feel­ing less. They are feel­ing every­thing as intense­ly as any­one else but are only express­ing it dif­fer­ent­ly.

Effective Therapeutic Approaches for Men

In my pro­fes­sion­al expe­ri­ence across Vir­ginia, I’ve found sev­er­al approach­es par­tic­u­lar­ly effec­tive for men strug­gling with anx­i­ety and aban­don­ment con­cerns:

EMDR (Eye Move­ment Desen­si­ti­za­tion and Repro­cess­ing) stands out as espe­cial­ly effec­tive. For male clients with aban­don­ment issues root­ed in child­hood expe­ri­ences or trau­mat­ic rela­tion­ship end­ings, EMDR offers a path to heal­ing that does­n’t require end­less talk­ing about feelings—something many men ini­tial­ly resist.

EMDR’s struc­tured approach helps men process emo­tion­al wounds with­out feel­ing over­whelmed by the pres­sure to accu­rate­ly frame their thoughts in words.

Oth­er effec­tive approach­es include:

• Cog­ni­tive Behav­ioral Ther­a­py that address­es thought pat­terns with­out pathol­o­giz­ing mas­culin­i­ty
• Emo­tion­al­ly-Focused Ther­a­py for cou­ples where a man’s aban­don­ment con­cerns are strain­ing the rela­tion­ship
• Mind­ful­ness prac­tices that con­nect men to bod­i­ly stress sig­nals they’ve learned to ignore
• Group ther­a­py with oth­er men, nor­mal­iz­ing these expe­ri­ences

If you’re a Vir­ginia man read­ing this and rec­og­niz­ing your­self, or if you care about some­one who might be strug­gling, here are con­crete steps:

1. Rec­og­nize the phys­i­cal sig­nals: Anx­i­ety often man­i­fests phys­i­cal­ly in men as chest tight­ness, diges­tive issues, or sleep prob­lems before it’s rec­og­nized emo­tion­al­ly.
2. Start small with shar­ing: Test the waters by shar­ing con­cerns with one trust­ed per­son rather than mak­ing a grand announce­ment.
3. Explore ther­a­py options that fit: Some men ini­tial­ly pre­fer direct, solu­tion-focused approach­es, while oth­ers con­nect bet­ter with active ther­a­pies like out­door or exer­cise-based pro­grams.
4. Con­nect with peers: Orga­ni­za­tions like the North­ern Vir­ginia Men’s Men­tal Health Alliance pro­vide spaces where men can break iso­la­tion and inter­act with oth­er men who have moved past the bar­ri­er of “these emo­tions don’t exist for me.”

EMDR Counseling Near Me

While appre­hen­sion and anx­i­ety may block your path to relief, ther­a­py can help. Men are just as sen­si­tive and con­cerned about con­nec­tion with oth­ers as well as want­i­ng inner peace as women. Men are not exempt to attach­ment wounds; how­ev­er, change can occur and you can move past the past.

Men I work with  who have aban­don­ment chal­lenges have reg­u­lar­ly com­ment­ed on the effec­tive­ness of EMDR ther­a­py. These men have also uti­lized online ther­a­py to reduce addi­tion­al strains on their time. 

In sum, come to ther­a­py and release the pres­sure valve of anx­i­ety on your life. Not feel­ing good on the inside is enough rea­son to assess your men­tal health. You may find that these feel­ings of anx­i­ety and aban­don­ment can be acknowl­edged and reduced. There is hope. 

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