How Do I Stop Beating Myself Up?
Have you ever set your sights on a brand new goal or opportunity, only to be hindered by your mind, telling you that you’re not worthy, good enough, or deserving of success? This commonly leads to a cascade of negative thoughts, resulting in the phrase “beating yourself up,” also known as the inner critic. Everyone has an inner voice that does its best to support you; however, these encouragements commonly come out as criticisms. Your inner critic likely wants to be a cheerleader, a supportive coach, or a companion, more than a critic. Asking yourself, “How do I stop beating myself up?” is a common question many people ask themselves–you’re not alone.
Self-defeating beliefs, no matter how small or trivial, have the power to cloud our perception, dictate our decisions, damage our relationships, and steer our lives to a destination that’s neither healthy nor fulfilling—but only if we let them. These negative ways of thinking take on many faces and forms. Learning to identify them is key to overcoming them, and preventing self-defeating thoughts from defeating you. Here are 7 examples of unhelpful, and often critical thoughts show up in our lives. In each example below, you’ll see 1) the name, 2) the example, and 3) how to change course.
How to Not Beat Yourself Up Over a Mistake
1. Should Statements: “I should never fail or make a mistake.”
Do you have a habit of setting unrealistic expectations about things you think you “should” or “must” do? Should statements often reflect perfectionistic standards, even for situations you have little to no control over. They can cause you to feel anxious or like you’re constantly failing.
When you recognize yourself engaging in this negative belief, replace each statement with a healthier, more realistic goal and thoughts of self-compassion. Focus on accepting yourself for who you are, instead of forcing yourself to become who you “should” be.
2. Emotional Reasoning: “I feel worthless, so I am worthless.”
If you always assume that something is true just because you feel that way, even if there are no facts or evidence to prove it, then you may be struggling with emotional reasoning. It’s a self-defeating belief telling you that your negative emotions reflect reality.
To overcome emotional reasoning, start by monitoring your thoughts and learning to separate facts from feelings. Certain types of treatment, like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, can help you achieve this.
3. Labeling Yourself: “I am a failure” or “I am a loser”
Labeling is making a rash, unfair, and negative judgment of yourself based on a single event that didn’t happen the way you wanted it to. For example, you might describe yourself as a “failure at school” after scoring below average on one test, with no room for redemption.
You can combat this self-defeating belief by recognizing the specific event that led to the negative label and actively challenging it. Look for evidence that counters your self-assigned label, and remind yourself there’s always a chance to grow and improve.
4. Discounting the Positive: “I only won the award because of luck.”
Let’s say you’ve worked hard on a project at work, and have been given an award for your great performance. Would you accept the achievement with genuine pride and happiness, or would you convince yourself it’s a result of pure luck, not your skills and effort?
Discounting the positive is a tendency to reject or invalidate good experiences in your life. The key to overcoming this is to work on your self-confidence and to open your eyes to the strengths and talents you have and how they contribute to your successes.
5. Jumping to Conclusions: “They didn’t smile so they are angry.”
We jump to conclusions whenever we predict that an event will have a certain negative outcome, also known as “fortune-telling.” It can also happen when we expect that someone will react to us in a certain, negative way, which is called “mind reading.”
This type of thinking involves making quick decisions, based on limited information. You can move past this harmful pattern by challenging your initial conclusions, exploring different perspectives, and asking questions to learn more about a situation before decision-making.
6. All-or-nothing Thinking: “I made a mistake. I’ll never succeed.”
Also known as black-and-white thinking, this self-defeating belief refers to seeing situations in two extremes. You’re either a total success or a complete failure, your performance is perfect or terrible, that person is either good or bad—there is no in-between.
You may hear yourself using absolute words like “never,” “always,” or “completely” with this type of thinking error. One way to overcome it is to practice mindfulness and pay attention to the language you use to speak to yourself. Recognize that success and progress exist in a spectrum, and a healthy middle ground may exist.
7. Personalization and Blame: “My child got a bad grade in school. I’m such a bad parent.”
When something bad happens, some people feel the need to take responsibility and blame themselves even when the situation is out of their control. Others do the exact opposite and accuse other people of the problem. Both are examples of personalization and blame.
If you have this self-defeating belief, remember that more than one factor could have caused the negative event. Make a conscious effort to look at each situation with a healthy, balanced, and unbiased perspective and be proactive in searching for solutions.
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Self-defeating beliefs are faulty and negative thinking patterns that allow our minds to play tricks on us. When ignored and untreated, they can cause significant emotional distress and get in the way of reaching our goals—damaging our health, well-being, and relationships in the process
If you’re ready to challenge your self-defeating beliefs and change your reality into a better, healthier one, be prepared to look inside yourself and reassess the thoughts you might’ve been clinging to for a long time. Are you up to the challenge?
